BAR JOKES

Freddie Heineken orders a Coke?

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Carlsberg' orders a Carlsberg, and the list goes on...

Then the waitress asks Freddie Heineken what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Heineken orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Heineken?" his colleagues ask...

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Piss all over the bar...

A man in a bar catches the bartender's attention and presents the following wager: "I'll bet you $20 I can bite my right eyeball." The bartender, who is keen to see this, agrees to the bet. The patron pulls his glass eye out and bites it.

"Well, you got me" says the bartender, and heads to the till. "Wait," says the patron, "I'll give you a chance to get your money back. I'll bet you double or nothing I can bite my left eyeball." The bartender, thinking that the patron can't have two glass eyes, agrees to this. Whereupon the patron pulls out his dentures, and clasps them to his left eye.

"All right," growls the bartender, "fool me twice..." Again, he heads for the cash register and again the patron stops him. "Once more, double or nothing -- $80 says I take a piss from right here -- and fill that glass at the end of the bar without spilling a drop."

This gives the bartender pause. The bar is about 20 feet long. 'No way' he thinks, and agrees to the wager. The patron proceeds to pull out his choad and piss with great force. Urine flies everywhere -- on the floor, on the bar, behind the bar, on other customers. The glass at the end of the bar remains dry.

"BUWAHAHAHA!" bawls the bartender. "Lookit that -- not one drop in the glass! $80 -- pay up!"

"That's alright," replies the patron. "I bet this other feller here $300 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh at it."

We don’t serve food

Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."

Me too!

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

Ventriloquist

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

Dutch joke

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Dutch Joke..."

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Dutch, both bouncers are Dutch and so are most of my customers"

"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

to be continued...